Lint Balls
by Erena G.T. Rose
Summary: CRW project. My happyhumorous spin on the end of OotP. Class project to change a tragedy. Lol. Slightly slashy RemusSirius. It has humor, slash...and lint balls. Yay!


**_Hmm, alright, listen up peoples! This is a story I wrote for my CRW class. Shoutouts to Ms. Ferguson's kids...I was supposed to take any literary tragedy and turn it into a happy ending/humorous ending. So I picked the end of OotP. Booya._**

**_So, obviously the standard disclaimers apply: I don't own, don't sue me...I'm broke. LOL. Hm...furthermore, an excerpt from OotP is featured in the very beginning. I'm not plagerising. It all belongs to her royal Brilliance Mrs. J.K. Rowling._**

**_So here we go!_**

"**Lint Balls" by: Erena G.T. Rose**

**(a parody/happy ending fic to HP 5: Order of the Phoenix)**

"_. . . Only one couple were still battling, apparently unaware of the new arrival. Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix's jet of red light: He was laughing at her. "Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room._

_The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest._

_The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock."_

"…_Harry released Neville, though he was unaware of doing so. He was jumping down the steps again, pulling out his wand. . . "_

"_. . . It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall. His body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backward through the ragged veil hanging from the arch. . ._

_And Harry saw the look of mingled fear and surprise on his godfather's wasted, once-handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind and then fell back into place._

_Harry heard Bellatrix Lestrange's triumphant scream, but knew it meant nothing---Sirius had only just fallen through the archway, he would reappear from the other side any second…_

_But Sirius did not reappear._

_"SIRIUS!" Harry yelled, "SIRIUS!"_

"_. . . He had reached the floor, his breath coming in searing gasps. Sirius must be just behind the curtain, he, Harry, would pull him back out again…_

_But as he reached the ground and sprinted toward the dais, Lupin grabbed Harry around the chest, holding him back._

_"There's nothing you can do, Harry—-"_

_"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"_

_"It's too late, Harry—"_

_"We can still reach him—"_

"_. . .Harry struggled hard and viciously, but Lupin would not let go…_

_"There's nothing you can do, Harry…nothing…He's gone."_

Harry gazed up into his Remus's eyes with something akin to disbelief. Sirius…could…not…be…dead. It simply didn't seem possible. Harry shook his head and struggled once again to break away from Remus's hold on him. He would show them! Sirius was…

"DEAD! He's dead, Harry. Please stop this! Don't make it any worse for yourself!" Lupin was trying to drag him away, pulling hard on Harry's arms and slinging an arm across his torso. "Harry, please!"

Harry spun in the werewolf's grip and glared up at him in a furious sort of denial, "He's NOT dead!" His hand waved out, encompassing the area around them, "He's just over there beyond that curtain!"

Remus looked over his shoulder in careful calculation. The Death Eaters were rounded up in the center of the room, their hideous masks peeled off to better recognize them; it seemed that his comrades in the Order of the Phoenix had Voldemort's followers quite in hand. However, glancing down at the boy he considered to be his honorary godson, Lupin knew there was nothing to be done with Harry; this was shock, pure and simply. Sirius was dead…and Harry was in denial.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, the werewolf focused on Harry's eyes alone, not wishing to look upon the heart broken expression on his face. "Harry, you really must listen to me." He gentled his death grip on the boy's shoulders but held firm, not wanting him to dash off, "Harry, Sirius is dea---"

But this time, before even Harry could make his denial, there was a muffled crash, the sound of metal and fine china hitting a hard stone floor and the something that sounded like an oddly familiar "Bloody Hell!"

Harry spun like a top, his eyes the same color as the infamous spell that gave him his reputation. He grabbed hold of Lupin's hand and squeezed hard, but the former teacher could do nothing, frozen in his own sort of shock.

From behind that graceful stone archway, peeking around the tattered veil, there came a mop of mussed and decidedly ruffled raven hair…as black as his name, hanging in unruly waves to a pair of wide, though slimed shoulders. Eyes the color of smoked sapphire blinked wearily and a long fingered hand picked at a lint ball dancing across the collar of his too-large robes. More lint balls clung to the billowing garment and he glared down at them in annoyance, patting his pockets in an attempt to locate his wand.

Harry gasps and then broke out into rapid-fire exclamations. "SIRIUS! I KNEW YOU WERE ALIVE! I TOLD REMUS BUT HE SAID YOU WERE DEAD AND THAT YOU WERE NEVER COMING BACK AND THAT YOU WERE GONE FOREVER!" He took a deep breath, his cheeks a bit flushed, "He said you were DEAD, Sirius!" This last one seemed more like a desperate plea for his godfather to assert that he was in fact, very much ALIVE.

But Sirius said nothing, only continued glaring down at the dozen or so lintballs that were clinging to his clothing; he glared as if they were miniature little Voldemort's and had just crashed his morning tea party. Because we all know Sirius loves his tea parties.

The animagus was still patting down his pockets when Lupin finally found the courage to speak. "Sirius? Is that really you?" When his best friend looked up, seemingly aware for the first moment that he was being spoken to, Remus repeated the question. "Is that really you? Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Sirius's brow furrowed in confusion. "Moony-love, have you been hitting that chocolate again? You know it's strictly medicinal." He waved his arms out, attempting to shake of the little fur and hair tormentors; alas, the lint balls were resistant to the ever proven shake attack. With a growl of frustration, Sirius glared at his partner, "Does it look like I'm dead?" He shook his appendages again, with little reaction from the buggy blighters. He sighed, "I fell through the damn curtain, landed arse first in some old broom closet at the school and couldn't find my way back out again!" Sirius tossed his hair impatiently, "Furthermore, I wandered around the school, couldn't find my way back here, damn near got myself caught by Filchy-Poo and only then realized that the closet was the only way back."

Harry blinked, open mouthed. Sirius continued in an exasperated tone. "Then, to top it, it seems I have Dumblee-doormouse and McGoogles to thank for the old switch-a-roo. Meddling, omnipresent, clairvoyant pesky peeps that they are, used little Snivellus the Snarky to sneak in and reroute a portkey into the archway. They did it," here he made little air quotations, "'as a precaution'." Huffing indignantly he rambled on, "And then, I find a kindly worded note from our Headmaster explaining that I must be covered in the lintballs for the portkey to work it's route backwards. Some kind of security thing." Rolling his eyes, Sirius once again spread his arms out to his side, "Now, _Remus_, do I really look dead to you?"

Lupin immediately opened his mouth to answer, but Sirius saw the teacherly glint in his eyes and cut him off. "Oh don't answer that; knowing you, you'll spout some wishy-washy stuff about how one might be capable of being dead without looking the part." He stuck out his tongue with all his dignity, "I swear Moony, some things never change; you're an insufferable bookworm to the end."

Lupin's eyes narrowed, "Now listen here, Padfoot, I'll not have that type of talk. You've just returned from the sorta-kinda-dead and your continued stay in this world is not yet totally assured."

Sirius blinked, "Excuse me? Confused." He raised his hand in a mock, student-like way and wiggled in place, the lint balls dancing the jigg with him. "OOooh! OOooh! Prrrrooooffeessssooorrr!" Sirius drew the word out, somehow managing to appear rather shockingly like Hermione; his dusky grey-blue eyes fairly glowed.

Remus growled, "Yes, oh great and impudent one?" He murmured the words, pointy canine teeth showing in his rather toothy smile.

Sirius clutched a handful of air and brought it to his chest in girly-love-struck kind of way, "Oooh, Prrrrooooffeesssorrr Lupin….I love your hair like that." He winked and wiggled his hips a little, "Can I stay for …tutoring?" There was special emphasis on that last word.

Lupin threw his hands in the air, "That's it!" He shuffled away from Harry, taking threatening steps toward his best friend, "Now look here, I'm going to throw you head long back through that tattered little rag if you don't keep your tail down, your ears flat and you nose pushed firmly to the ground!" He came closer, "And you keep the perversion to a minimum in front of our godson or I will tie you up and have my wicked way with you!"

Sirius smirked, crossing his lint ball besieged arms over his chest. "Oh really?" There was a contained sort of challenge in Sirius's tone, "And what if I don't behave? And need I remind you that I'm not in animal form right now, so _technically_, if you want to get specific, I'm not _really_ disobeying you by not…how shall I say…playing the game." He leaned forward just a bit, his presence invading Remus's personal space. "Therefore, I win this debate, Remus-love, as I usually do."

Sirius made to turn and walk away, his hand rising up to brush at the offendingly clingly little creatures of hell, denizens of evil known infamously as 'lintballs' but Remus was there first, grabbing a handful of his robes and pulling back savagely.

The wonderfully arrogant Sirius Black immediately lost his balance and stumbled backwards, granting Remus the splendid opportunity to deliver him a resounding smack upside-the-head.

The _thwack_ echoed dully around the room for a moment as Sirius yelped and skipped away, prancing about and rubbing his head, appearing so much more like a rain dancing Muggle rather than the sophisticated, if slightly diminished pure-blood wizard he was.

Harry's eyes bounced back and forth between his two guiding lights like a ping-pong ball, wide and shiny and nearly dizzied to death. His brow was furrowed in confusion and there seemed to be a great deal of thinking going on in that little head of his. Remus ignored the warning signs and continued on, attempting to whack Sirius every time the animagus danced within range of his attack. It was quite an amusing stress release.

Memo to self, Remus thought, bottle and patent little portable, whackable versions of Sirius to all frustrated teachers. Brilliant.

Beyond his range of sight, Remus sensed more than saw Harry take a step forward and the werewolf allowed Sirius to avert his attack as Harry approached the two of them, eyes narrowed. Oh, here it comes, Remus thought. He looked over at Sirius who appeared oblivious, picking at a lint ball that had managed to climb up his shoulder and maneuver itself into his hair. With a sigh of defeated annoyance, the former teacher returned his attention to the young wizard.

Harry was eyeing them in confusion. "Remus, um, sir?" He cleared his throat and started again, "Remus, I have a sort of question."

The werewolf nodded, "Continue on then, Harry." He fell easily back into his position of tutorial supremacy. He could answer questions as a teacher, well enough.

The green-eyed boy fidgeted, "Um, well…I don't really know how to say this, but um…" He sighed and it all came out at once. "Areyougay?"

Remus shook his head, not sure he heard right. "I'm sorry, Harry?" He made a come-at-me-again gesture and Harry took a deep, slow breath before exhaling it all at once.

"Remus, sir…um, are you gay?" Harry's eyes, filled with the intensity of the question, beamed up at Lupin and he found himself nodding, "Yes, Harry, I'm gay."

Harry's cheeks colored and he looked down in a sort of painful embarrassment before looking off to the side. He was murmuring to himself and then he was looking at Remus again, staring at him in a kind of bedazzled trance. "Sir, are you fucking serious?"

Remus nodded again, "Yes, that too."

Harry gasped, choked and his eyes rolled in his head for a moment in a way that was somewhat alarming. Remus meant to reach out to him, to steady him but the boy pulled away, "No way! Ooohhhhh!" He clutched his heart and ran about in a tight little circle, "Oooh, my godfather's a poof! My teacher's a fairy princess. Help me!" He danced around a bit and scuttled across the floor, his robes fluttering around his ankles like a prom dress. "Ohmygod! They're poofs! Bloody poofs! Rectal rovers! Rump rangers! Arse assailants!" Remus shook his head, amused. Harry saw this and screamed some more, "Ahhhhh! Help me, Lupin wants my arse!"

Sirius looked up, startled, from his lose-lose battle with the hair-bound lint ball. "Now see here, Harry! Moony's arse, and his arse loving qualities are strictly my property! Keep your grubby mits off!" He stalked across the short distance between them, lint balls doing another jigg and wrapped an arm around Remus's waist. He glared at his now frozen godson, "He's mine, drat it, and no one's gonna take him from me!"

Harry blinked, "You two really mean it? Ugh…I'm scarred for life." He fidgeted a bit and then threw his hands up to resume his screaming and prancing. It was getting kinda annoying.

Sirius glared down at his godson and then looked at Remus… "You know, I may have a plan, right here." Reaching down into his pocket, Sirius withdrew one of the lint balls he formerly picked off; pinching it between two fingers he brought it to eye level. "Now listen here hellion, I have the fancy idea that Dumblee-dumbass charmed you into existence, gave you life and whatnot. Whoopdee-bloody-doo." He rolled his eyes, unable to believe he was going to say this, "I'll make a deal with you, Lint Ball."

Remus looked him over quizzingly, trying to find where he could possibly be hiding the hole from which his brain had obviously oozed out from. What was he doing?

Sirius ignored him. "Now listen here. You take yourself and all your little snarky, clingly friends and go find a new, comfy home…over there." He pointed at the prancing form of his overreacting godson. He waited a moment but the lint balls did not move away from his own clothing.

Sighing, Sirius threw in his bargaining chip, "He wears robes made out of velvet." Ah, that seemed to do it. With an unearthly squeaking sound that was simultaneously emitted from a dozen or so mini lint-ball mouths, the fuzzy mercenaries launched themselves into the air and zoomed at Harry. He saw them coming only too late and was slammed with a storm of attacking creatures.

Sirius laughed at the sight of the little lint creatures burrowing into Harry's robe pockets and hiding under the velvet collar. They were really kinda cute little blighters once they weren't attached to him. Interesting enough, Harry was still dancing around, though his litany had changed a little.

"Ah! Get 'em off! They have HHHHHOOOOMMMOOOO CCUUUUTTTTIIIIESSSSS!" He yelped as a particularly large lint ball rolled up his shoulder and perched itself there. "Help me! Homo-cuties!"

Remus shook his head and turned his back on his former student, "Padfoot, my prince, you're too much." He slung an arm around the other's shoulder and they turned together to go out the exit of the great stone chamber.

Sirius smirked, "Oh it was nothing, I just made a deal with the Lint Ball Devil." He drifted passed the archway and the curtain and glared at it, but Remus only laughed at him, guiding him out into the main hallway and closing the door to the chamber behind them.

Remus smiled. "Okay, let's go get something to eat and then we'll rest and we'll catch the Hogwarts Express back to the school tomorrow." It seemed like a plan.

Sirius smiled, "Yea, awesome. Hogwarts…snarky, sneaky, conniving Lint Ball Creature-less Hogwarts."

**The Next Day, Aboard the Hogwarts Express**

"REMUS!" A voice bellowed, clearly angry. "REMUS LUPIN YOU GET YOUR FUZZY TAIL OVER HERE RIGHT THIS BLOODY SECOND!"

The werewolf in question closed his book and glanced up in irritation; now what could Sirius want. He only went over to the next compartment a moment ago, trying to find space to stretch out and sleep, but…

…with a sigh, Remus stood, slide open the panel door and stepped out into the hall way, only to bump right into Sirius, standing just outside the opposite compartment, his face whiter than snow.

Remus propped his hands on his hips, "What is it now, Sirius?"

The animagus shook his head, "I can't go in there Remus, they're everywhere! They followed me…a few must have snuck out in my pocket…and now…they're multiplying!"

Remus blinked, confused for a moment before memory brought him an image. "Oh, I see. So the lint balls followed you out, were lying in wait to ambush you in this compartment, and were in the meantime, multiplying their numbers so that they might overwhelm you." He nodded astutely before opening the compartment just an inch or so to see a thousand or more little lint balls rolling around inside.

Turning, he glanced over Sirius for a moment, noting how he looked better taken care of after a day at the inn and access to basic life necessities. His hair was combed, his skin was fresh and healthy looking…except for the now ghostly white pallor. Remus nearly laughed; Sirius really didn't like the lint balls. So much the better.

Looking back into the compartment, Remus blinked with calculated intent. "Oh my…did the number actually multiply again? Are there more of them?"

Sirius gasped, "No! Let me see!" He shoved Remus aside a bit and peered in through the inch wide space. "Hmmm, no I don't think they've multiplied recently, Remus." He turned to look at his friend…

…and found himself face to face with a man grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Sirius cocked an eyebrow and Remus shrugged, looking him up and down slowly. After a moment, he met Sirius's gaze and smiled, "And today… you're wearing velvet."

Sirius's eyes suddenly welled up in understanding; he tried to turn and flee, but Remus was there first, shoving open the panel door and thrusting his arm out, knocking the scrambling Sirius back onto his arse, flat in the middle of the compartment. With a smirk and a chuckle, the werewolf slammed the panel shut again and cast a Sticky-Stuck charm to keep it closed. Hahaha.

On the other side there was a suddenly flurry of high-pitched squeaks and Sirius gave a small scream. "REMUS! YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE!" He yelped and there was a sort of rumbling inside the compartment; apparently Sirius decided he could outrun them by climbing onto the luggage rack. Brilliant.

Remus just turned away, walking back across the hall to his own compartment. He had his book in hand, was sitting comfortably and already scanning for where he left off when Sirius gave one last scream, "YOU MEAN SNARKY LITTLE GIT! YOU DID THIS ONE PURPOSE! YOU PLANNED THIS!" There was a muffled yelp and then another flurry of squeaks. Apparently lint-balls can climb. "DAMN YOU REMUS! YOU PLANNED IT!"

Remus smirked and look down at his sleeve, smiling vaguely at the little lint creature posted there. "You don't say." He chuckled and the little lint ball shuffled around in a sorta-kinda laugh of its own.

Well Padfoot, Remus thought, Payback's a bitch.

…And the Lint Balls conquer all………(essqueak!)

The End.

(essqueak!)

**_A.N/ ...So how did you like it? Please read and review and please, try to keep the flames ...er...below-raging-inferno levels, k? I take those sort of things to heart._**

**_So, read and review (or flame, nicely)...please?_**

**_P.S.- Partially dedicated to my crazy peers in CRW, Stephanie and Karina. Lol. _**

**_bye for now..._**

**_-erena g.t. rose_**


End file.
